I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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