My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
