She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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