i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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