Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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