Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
