If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
