I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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