I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
