take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
