I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Acid is not a monday night drug
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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