im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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