I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
