wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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