I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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