I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
