Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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