Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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