Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
