The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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