My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
