She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I love you. Go after that dick
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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