Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
