There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
