i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
