just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
