Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
