In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
