Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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