made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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