Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i would one night stand the shit outta him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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