Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
