I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
