i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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