you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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