Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
