I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
