Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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