Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dear god my vagina.
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