Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
