I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
