You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
