i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
