Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
