please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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