but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
