ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
