she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
