I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
