I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
