Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
