Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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