just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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